Soy Milk and Britney Spears

My chair points me directly to the flat screen television which is on all day long at work. I've heard they even have one in the men's bathroom, so that you don't miss anything while you are peeing.

Here is an example of something you might miss:

According to CNBC this morning, soy is apparently a solid investment these days as its popularity is increasing. There is not enough soy to go round and it is closing in on corn as the crop that fuels the world. Credibility of this story soy as an investment is leant by showing a reporter, live, standing in the soy milk aisle holding a carton of Silk ™. Also helpful: a B-roll interview of a purported “health conscious” someone who buys soy milk with the byline “Soy Milk Consumer”:

“I had thought it would taste really bland, but it really doesn’t!”

It’s hard, however, to take any “news” story seriously, no matter how many credibility lending attributes the producer has tried to give it such as shots of tractors being driven around, soy beans being poured from one receptacle to another and smug news anchors seated at a desk with two open laptops in front of them, when it’s followed by “CNBC’s Unofficial Obsession with Blonde Celebrities Indicator” featuring shots of Britney Spears being taken away in an ambulance.

She’s not even very blonde.

Lists: Odd Things

*The garbage disposal in the kitchen sink is a model called the “In-Sink-Erator”

*My iGoogle account features a little fox like creature that goes about his day, while I go about mine. I’m fiercely jealous of him because his day is spent waking up, doing a little laundry, hanging out with his bird friends, eating sushi, reading a book and harvesting his watermelons. Mine is spent watching him do these things, periodically, throughout the work day.

*I got a missed call yesterday from a 415 number. I Googled it, as I do with every unrecognized number I get. I’m quite guilty of the modern day cell phone protocol of taking full advantage of caller ID: I never answer numbers I do not recognize and I usually don’t answer restricted/unknown numbers unless I’m expecting my parents to call. Once, in college, my number was mistakenly printed in the local Pennysaver classifieds as the contact information for an entertainment center among other various items. I answered the first call because it was the area code was the same as mine and I thought perhaps it was an old friend trying to get in contact with me. The man asked about the entertainment center he’d seen advertised and I said,

“I’m sorry; I believe you have the wrong number. I haven’t placed any ads in the Pennysaver.”

He responded with “Oh. What about the speakers?”

I had a few more calls like this; most people were apologetic, one person was quite rude and accused me of lying to avoid selling the center to him. I finally stopped answering the phone calls and, upon further introspection decided that if it had been an old friend, they would have left a message and I could have called them back. So I stopped answering phone numbers I didn’t recognize.

The results of my Google search yesterday were surprisingly fruitful. Typically, when you Google a number, it doesn’t really tell you much except that perhaps the owner had a Verizon account at one point. This one came up with one search item and it was a phone book entry for San Francisco. From someone I went to high school with. Not someone I ever spoke to or had any contact with in any capacity: he was a weird, skinny kid with a terrible hair cut and 2 years older than me. We had no mutual friends/connections except we potentially bought pot from the same people. So it had to have been a wrong number, but a wrong number from someone whose identity I recognized? Very odd.

Poor Planning

One of the rainiest days of the year and I forgot to wear a coat.

ROOM FOR RENT, L@@K!

I love Craigslist listings that are written as though the author is having a conversation with you. Or rather, shouting at you.

"PLEASE DO NOT WASTE TIME BY ASKING IF YOU CAN MAKE PAYMENTS ON SECURITY DEPOSIT OR FIRST MONTHS RENT. OH NO BUDDY, NOT HAPPENING. NOT LIKE THAT LAST JERK WHO NEVER PAID. I'VE LEARNED MY LESSON. WON'T BE DOING THAT AGAIN."

Okay, the last three sentences were made up. But "OH NO BUDDY, NOT HAPPENING" was real. And it really was in all capitals. I think illiterate people do this out of laziness. Lazy literate people just don't capitalize at all and while this is acceptable for personal, casual emails, it shouldn't be for an advertisement. Correct punctuation, correct grammar and correct spelling exist for a reason: uniformity makes for ease of communication and lessens the chance of misunderstanding.

For purposes of Craigslist though, it also weeds out the people that you don't want living with you or acting as your landlord.

"very nice mobilehome avalible close to freeways,shoping,cc collage perfer male"

More Craiglist follies: When Ryan was looking for someone to take over his room, he got at least 2 requests from parents/older relatives, soliciting information about the room for their adult child. One was for a 19 year old kid, the other was for a 30 year old grad student!

"I'm responding to your ad on Craigslist. My 22 year old son is looking for a room to rent. He has been living at home until now, because they failed to cut the chord when he was born and thus I have never left him alone for more than 20 minutes. He decided recently that he needed to find his own place. Seeing as I indulge every whim of his, so that he can concentrate on getting into Harvard Law School as well as the Fuqua School of Business without worrying about mundane details such as paying bills, dealing with disappointment and tying his shoelaces, I've taken responsibility for his search. As I prefer to shield him from distressing situations, I would like to view the place before he looks at it to make sure that it will provide an atmosphere conducive to him fulfilling his potential for success as well as appropriate for a few "peculiarities" of his - he must have a south facing window as he burns easily in direct sunlight, he is allergic to soy, nuts, milk, parsley, fish oil, fruits and vegetables, and cell phone coverage must be clear in every room as I need to be able to get a hold of him at least 3 or 4 times a day. Would you be available to show it to me today?"

"sch-ch-choo"

I think it's funny when people are talking to other people on the phone, particularly strangers, and when one of the people is supposed to be doing something (like looking up a date or time) that is traditionally a silent one, that person sometimes feels the need to make a noise, usually sounding like this:

"sch-ch-choo"

This noise usually symbolizes two things:

"I am still on the phone"

"I am doing the discussed task"

I never make that noise, choosing instead to say something along the lines of

"If you don't mind, let me just look that up for you."

"I'm really in the mood for some overcooked spaghetti noodles with some marinara sauce. But none of that fresh stuff, I'd like it to be permeated with the taste of the can it came from. Oh, and since I equate quantity, rather than quality, with value, I won't be happy unless I get a portion that is twice the size of my head - I want to make sure I get my money's worth. In addition to this, since this is a high class restaurant: one without televisions showing the "game", could you please make sure that there are enough ads in the menu? My poor social skills, illiteracy and general lack of taste and manners prevent me from concentrating or having a conversation on anything that is not an advertisement. "

Of all the poor quality restaurants you could go to in Downtown PA, why on earth would you go to the Cheesecake Factory?

I'd like someone to answer that question beyond saying "They don't know any better."

There is no excuse for eating bad food!

I want to move to Bhutan

The economy in Bhutan is measured not in terms of GNP (Gross National Product), but rather, in terms of GNH (Gross National Happiness).

This would probably help me combat the almost inevitable effects of GPD (Geriatric Profanity Disorder).


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gross_national_happiness
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gross_National_Product#Gross_National_Product
http://www.duffgardens.net/media/images/wallpaper2.gif

Sleep

I wish that I could be this man and never have to sleep. I mean, don't get me wrong, sleeping is quite pleasurable, for a number of reasons.

But think how much stuff I could do if I didn't have to! And yes, I am quite familiar with the concept of polyphasic sleep having a brother who has attempted using the Uberman Sleep Schedule on several occasions(I call it the Loserman Sleep Schedule, because it meant he had to stop whatever we were doing every four hours to go down for his nap).

While it seems like a great idea - to have 30-40 hours extra per week, similar to raw food diets, it seems that no one is able to stick to it permanently.

Mullet Dream

Last night I dreamed I woke up and went to brush my teeth only to find that I had grown a mullet. I spent some time holding up the back and considering whether or not I should cut the long parts off, in order to have it appear more even. But I thought about how long it would take for my hair to grow back and opted to keep it, thinking that I'd like to have long hair again sooner, rather than later.