Emails with Antonia

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Photo prints 6 messages

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Alice	Sat, Jul 20, 2013 at 10:48 AM
To: Antonia
Hey Antonia, Do you have a recommendation for a place to have prints made from digital photographs?  I hope you are enjoying your holiday! xo alice

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Antonia	Sat, Jul 20, 2013 at 10:52 AM
To: Alice
Heya, I always use shutterfly.com. I've heard good things about blurb, too, but I don't know whether they just do photo products (like photo books etc.) or also straightforward prints. Hope Ithaca isn't too muggy at the moment! Lots of love,      Antonia

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Alice	Sat, Jul 20, 2013 at 9:58 PM
To: Antonia
It is pretty muggy, but better than it has been. Sadly, we lost Jeeves yesterday. He died very suddenly, after a series of seizures. The reason I am asking about prints is that I have several pictures of him of which I have been meaning to get prints made for awhile and now it feels quite urgent. I was wondering if, when you return, we could arrange to go on a hike with you and your camera. I would like to get some nice pictures of Barnaby and Elinor but am loathe to have "studio" portraits done because I don't particularly care for them. I just want pretty pictures of them being themselves. What would you charge for something like that? Also, when do you return? August sometime? love, alice [Quoted text hidden]

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Antonia	Thu, Jul 25, 2013 at 8:34 AM
To: Alice
I only just saw that I hadn't actually sent me reply to this. I'm so sorry to hear about Jeeves! That's just awful. How are Ryan and you taking it, and how is Barnaby? Yes, I'd love to go on a walk with you all when the leaves are turning (or while they're still summer green) and take some photos - maybe in the plantations? I won't be back in Ithaca until Labor day weekend, though. It's hot here and continues getting hotter, and while it is lovely and cool every night even right in the city, the house just doesn't cool down properly anymore.  I'm taking it as the perfect excuse to adopt the principle of 'no such thing as too much watermelon'. Lots of love,      Antonia

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Alice	Thu, Jul 25, 2013 at 9:52 AM
To: Antonia
Barnaby seems a little mopey, but it's hard to say. He's never been an "only" dog so we may just be seeing a side of Barnaby that has, until this point, been hidden. Ryan and I are both pretty broken up. I probably cry about it at least once a day and I've never seen Ryan so upset as he was this last weekend. Jeeves was a weird and eccentric dog and he didn't like everyone and he wasn't always pleasant, and for some reason, I was extraordinarily attached and protective of him. He was my dog before I even knew Ryan, so perhaps the "me and him against the world" during our first fall and winter together, which was during one of the hardest years of my life has something to do with it. He helped me a lot and I felt like I owed it to him to keep him safe and healthy and happy. I think I almost feel like I failed him because he died so young. Ugh. Sorry to lay all of this on you: I'm obviously still trying to process what I'm feeling and why.  I have been eating a lot of watermelon too but the number of chanterelles* I have consumed is sadly, zero.  See you after labour day! Alice *my web browser is trying to correct "chanterelles" to "chanticleer". Clearly not educated in the finer points of mycology. [Quoted text hidden]

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Antonia	Thu, Jul 25, 2013 at 1:01 PM
To: Alice
Hey, no worries - that's what friends are for. It's always awful to see dear people suffer, and given that I'm far too far away to give you a hug right now, I'm glad if I can be at least a virtual shoulder. I still remember when the cat died that had lived with us since I was about 10. He lived to a good old age (which meant all sorts of deterioration, disorientation and probably also some pain for him, and always the question of whether it would be kinder to put him to sleep - but he still ate and pooped, so maybe taking his life would be more cruel?); when he died I was already at Cornell, and there wasn't anything I could do. I cried a lot and was glad people were much less harsh than I was on myself and my emotions. Of course the animals that are part of our families aren't humans, but they *are* part of the family, and when they're not there anymore something important is missing. I'm sure Jeeves was extremely well taken care of - if there had been some warning sign to react to some time ago, I know you would have noticed it. I was told cats and dogs who have died get to sleep on god's bed all they want, and while I am getting hesitanter and hesitanterer on god, I'm still pretty certain that the bit about his bed is right. Lots of love,       Antonia

Quitting horses.

Sometimes, when I'm driving or trying to fall asleep, I tell myself I'm going to quit riding: I don't think I'm ever going to have a trainer that gives me something decent to ride that's over 14 hands and I don't have the strength to keep moving forward without help. I'm tired of pushing against everyone to make things happen.

I've been working at another stable recently, teaching and riding. I took a lesson there before I was offered the position and I said, "I'm still working with Casey, I just need to get off the ponies."

Sue said, "You do, you're so right."

Then, she offered me a job. And has consistently given me ponies to ride. I think I'm going to scream.

I honestly have zero idea how good I am - I have no frame of reference anymore. And it's maddening and I actually have disorienting feelings regarding whether or not I am losing my mind. Using that phrase "losing my mind" is exactly what I mean, but I was reticent to use it because I am not speaking hyperbolically. I would have stuck "literally" in there to imply that I wasn't speaking hyperbolically, but that doesn't really help these days.

And I think about how crazy I feel and how hurt and angry and frustrated I am to be so far behind where I should be and how devastating to think about all the things I might have done differently to be in a different place and I think that I should just cut my losses, walk away and move on.

One dog now.

Jeeves died today. He had a series of seizures and then went into cardiac arrest and then died. 

I'm heartbroken. I've had that dog longer than I've known my husband. He was so silly and smart and just the best.