The Countdown and my feet are itchy.

August 31 is my birthday and also means we have been in Ithaca for 5 years and a week or so. Ryan is going to be done in the spring (assuming his prediction is accurate) and it's left me with a feeling of anxious unrootedness.

Sometimes I wake up and think: Barnaby, Elinor and I should just move to the Bay Area (where Ryan is most likely going to get a job). I could get a part-time job*, my parents could watch Elinor or we could send her to daycare and Ryan could finish faster because he wouldn't have us as distractions. Most importantly, I can get started on the next phase of my life. Right now and for the last little while, I have felt like I am in limbo. Waiting, waiting, waiting. My feet are itchy metaphorically speaking. 

But, I don't even know what the next phase should be. I think I'm anxious to start it so that I'll know what it is. I want to turn to the last page to make sure that the main character (me) makes it through all right (ends up happy). 

Other days, I wake up and think: How tremendously sad. We are finishing our last summer in Ithaca and we didn't take advantage of everything it had to offer. We're a part of the community, we have a nice comfortable place, lots of friends, lots to do and most of the things we like are available to us. Would it be so bad if Ryan didn't finish in the spring? My feet are itchy, literally speaking, from the mosquito bites I got sharing beers with my new friend Genevieve, in her back yard, sitting on her picnic table nest to a patch of rainbow chard, summer squash and tomatoes, and watching her sheep and chickens romp around and discussing canning peaches and horses. 

Sometimes I think about the huge going-away party we'll throw when we leave and sometimes I think about the huge we're back party we'll throw when we arrive in California. 

*A part-time job doing what, I do not know. My friend Nik told me that her boss would probably hire me, but do I want to go and work for a trainer? Part of me says Yes! horses all the time! and part of me says, No! Working for yourself horse-wise and working for a trainer sucks. Get a non-horse job to pay for the horses. Any advice in either direction would be welcome. 

Emails with Antonia

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Photo prints 6 messages

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Alice	Sat, Jul 20, 2013 at 10:48 AM
To: Antonia
Hey Antonia, Do you have a recommendation for a place to have prints made from digital photographs?  I hope you are enjoying your holiday! xo alice

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Antonia	Sat, Jul 20, 2013 at 10:52 AM
To: Alice
Heya, I always use shutterfly.com. I've heard good things about blurb, too, but I don't know whether they just do photo products (like photo books etc.) or also straightforward prints. Hope Ithaca isn't too muggy at the moment! Lots of love,      Antonia

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Alice	Sat, Jul 20, 2013 at 9:58 PM
To: Antonia
It is pretty muggy, but better than it has been. Sadly, we lost Jeeves yesterday. He died very suddenly, after a series of seizures. The reason I am asking about prints is that I have several pictures of him of which I have been meaning to get prints made for awhile and now it feels quite urgent. I was wondering if, when you return, we could arrange to go on a hike with you and your camera. I would like to get some nice pictures of Barnaby and Elinor but am loathe to have "studio" portraits done because I don't particularly care for them. I just want pretty pictures of them being themselves. What would you charge for something like that? Also, when do you return? August sometime? love, alice [Quoted text hidden]

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Antonia	Thu, Jul 25, 2013 at 8:34 AM
To: Alice
I only just saw that I hadn't actually sent me reply to this. I'm so sorry to hear about Jeeves! That's just awful. How are Ryan and you taking it, and how is Barnaby? Yes, I'd love to go on a walk with you all when the leaves are turning (or while they're still summer green) and take some photos - maybe in the plantations? I won't be back in Ithaca until Labor day weekend, though. It's hot here and continues getting hotter, and while it is lovely and cool every night even right in the city, the house just doesn't cool down properly anymore.  I'm taking it as the perfect excuse to adopt the principle of 'no such thing as too much watermelon'. Lots of love,      Antonia

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Alice	Thu, Jul 25, 2013 at 9:52 AM
To: Antonia
Barnaby seems a little mopey, but it's hard to say. He's never been an "only" dog so we may just be seeing a side of Barnaby that has, until this point, been hidden. Ryan and I are both pretty broken up. I probably cry about it at least once a day and I've never seen Ryan so upset as he was this last weekend. Jeeves was a weird and eccentric dog and he didn't like everyone and he wasn't always pleasant, and for some reason, I was extraordinarily attached and protective of him. He was my dog before I even knew Ryan, so perhaps the "me and him against the world" during our first fall and winter together, which was during one of the hardest years of my life has something to do with it. He helped me a lot and I felt like I owed it to him to keep him safe and healthy and happy. I think I almost feel like I failed him because he died so young. Ugh. Sorry to lay all of this on you: I'm obviously still trying to process what I'm feeling and why.  I have been eating a lot of watermelon too but the number of chanterelles* I have consumed is sadly, zero.  See you after labour day! Alice *my web browser is trying to correct "chanterelles" to "chanticleer". Clearly not educated in the finer points of mycology. [Quoted text hidden]

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Antonia	Thu, Jul 25, 2013 at 1:01 PM
To: Alice
Hey, no worries - that's what friends are for. It's always awful to see dear people suffer, and given that I'm far too far away to give you a hug right now, I'm glad if I can be at least a virtual shoulder. I still remember when the cat died that had lived with us since I was about 10. He lived to a good old age (which meant all sorts of deterioration, disorientation and probably also some pain for him, and always the question of whether it would be kinder to put him to sleep - but he still ate and pooped, so maybe taking his life would be more cruel?); when he died I was already at Cornell, and there wasn't anything I could do. I cried a lot and was glad people were much less harsh than I was on myself and my emotions. Of course the animals that are part of our families aren't humans, but they *are* part of the family, and when they're not there anymore something important is missing. I'm sure Jeeves was extremely well taken care of - if there had been some warning sign to react to some time ago, I know you would have noticed it. I was told cats and dogs who have died get to sleep on god's bed all they want, and while I am getting hesitanter and hesitanterer on god, I'm still pretty certain that the bit about his bed is right. Lots of love,       Antonia

Quitting horses.

Sometimes, when I'm driving or trying to fall asleep, I tell myself I'm going to quit riding: I don't think I'm ever going to have a trainer that gives me something decent to ride that's over 14 hands and I don't have the strength to keep moving forward without help. I'm tired of pushing against everyone to make things happen.

I've been working at another stable recently, teaching and riding. I took a lesson there before I was offered the position and I said, "I'm still working with Casey, I just need to get off the ponies."

Sue said, "You do, you're so right."

Then, she offered me a job. And has consistently given me ponies to ride. I think I'm going to scream.

I honestly have zero idea how good I am - I have no frame of reference anymore. And it's maddening and I actually have disorienting feelings regarding whether or not I am losing my mind. Using that phrase "losing my mind" is exactly what I mean, but I was reticent to use it because I am not speaking hyperbolically. I would have stuck "literally" in there to imply that I wasn't speaking hyperbolically, but that doesn't really help these days.

And I think about how crazy I feel and how hurt and angry and frustrated I am to be so far behind where I should be and how devastating to think about all the things I might have done differently to be in a different place and I think that I should just cut my losses, walk away and move on.

One dog now.

Jeeves died today. He had a series of seizures and then went into cardiac arrest and then died. 

I'm heartbroken. I've had that dog longer than I've known my husband. He was so silly and smart and just the best. 

Saying No.

My therapist wanted to coach me through saying "no" to people who want me to do things I simply do not want to do. She wanted me to practice what I was going to say to someone.

I told her I didn't want to because it felt uncomfortable and I didn't see how it was going to help me. She said, "Just try it." And I said,

"Aren't I supposed to be practicing saying "no" to people who want me to do things that I don't want to do?"

"Touché."

Selling your soul to get to California.

Yesterday I talked to a lady who told me a bit about her son. When he was small, they used to travel to California in the summers to visit relatives. At the end of the trips, she said, he would cry and cry. He'd cry when it was time to leave, he'd cry on the plane.

"He just loved California from the time he was little."

When he was older, he went to Cornell and then got a job working for Philip Morris, which enabled him to move to Irvine, California.

I thought about it and came up with this:

It's like he sold his soul to the devil in order to get to California and in one of those "be careful what you wish for" scenarios that the devil is somewhat famous for, he ended up in Irvine.

Which he actually apparently enjoys, it's just funnier if you don't know that.

Dusting, adipose and depression-induced invisibility.

So, I'm blowing the dust that has gathered on this blog, I guess. I think I sometimes give up on blogging regularly because I'm not sure why I do it. I don't want to pontificate on the internet but sometimes I do. I don't want a lot of people to read what I write but sometimes I do. I want to remain anonymous, but I also want my friends to read it and really enjoy discussing some of the things that come up in this blog with them. Anyway.

Also I've been...busy.

I logged in today and found 9 comments waiting for moderation. All spam, of course. One of the

Adipex diet pill is made up of pure Adipex, which affects our central nervous system by activating neurotransmitters that start flowing quickly all through the brain. This allows the signals to flow quickly through the brain, motivating the body over time so that you continually have ample of energy, a super boost at losing weight and fat, all at once. Basically, each Adipex dosage will trigger the neurotransmitters so that they can make their rounds again for up to 12 hours or so. on

which is basically a Doctor Who concept come to life. On Doctor Who, it's called Adipose that ends up being an alien race using our adipose tissue to generate the young of the species.

                           ***
Here's a thing about me:

When I get depressed, truly depressed, I start feeling like I'm invisible. There's more to it, but for now, the invisible part is what is important. I'm not truly delusional: I don't think I'm invisible, I just feel like I am. And that's not to say I feel ignored or left out or marginalised; it has nothing to do with anyone else's behaviour or treatment of me. I just feel invisible and there's not another word for it.

Last year, we went to the Ithaca Festival with our friend Mark as we usually do. Something put me in a strange mood, I was hugely pregnant and I started to feel invisible. We ran into an colleague of Ryan and Mark's and his wife. Both of whom I've met several times. His wife introduced Mark and Ryan to her parents and not me, then proceeded to talk to Mark and Ryan, as did her husband as if I wasn't there. Even after Ryan interrupted her to introduce me to her parents.

At the time this seemed really weird because there I was feeling invisible and there Rebecca was, apparently not having seen me!

Depression definitely has a delusional aspect to it. I've heard about maybe one or two studies that show that depressed people actually have a more accurate view of the world, but I'm sure, at least in my case, that delusion is involved. And when you've worked trying to not be depressed as long as I have, you can sometimes even know when you are having a depressive delusion. So the feelings of invisibility, although they are there, I do know that I am, in fact, visible. I wish there was a better word for it. I'm sure the Germans have one.

Anyway. As alarming as the situation was at the time, I actually think it's pretty funny now and I had a good hearty laugh about it with Ken a few days later.

Goals for the New Year

1. Take 3 free online courses. I'm going to learn Javascript, Equine Nutrition and Human Physiology. 

2. Knit clothes for Elinor.

3. Get back to riding 3-4x per week. Dream goal: find something to do the jumpers on at a Real Show.

4. Learn more about baking. Be a more reliable cake baker. After all, birthday cakes are going to become much more important now.

5. Preserve more of the spring/summer bounty. Was unsuccessful at this this year because I didn't sleep for most of the summer. The year before was much better. 

John Henry's Farm Album

So, I found John's album on Spotify under the band name "John Henry's Farm". It was a little strange, but here we are.

I say strange because, as someone who is regularly transported back in time by music, it was a very queer feeling to hear songs that I listened to and sang and lived through during a very tumultuous, exhilarating and strange period of my life.

I lived on beer and very little sleep and it all culminated in a terrible, terrible month of January, 2007. Before that January though, I was living through something that I needed to in order to be ready to grow up. Or something. I don't know.

It's too tiring to go into further detail right now. I just wanted to make sure that I captured this moment of feeling so strange.

2 things: 1) I miss the Farm but I don't want to go back. Kind of like: I had a fantastic time at university, but I wouldn't want to do it again now. 2)Matt Fate (John's drummer) defriended me on facebook (awhile ago) and apparently in real life too. And I have no idea why. And it makes me a little sad and a little angry (I'm learning to identify this now! It's not my fault, he's the one who behaved badly! I'm allowed to be angry with him and not me! Thanks therapy!).

Elinor's first joke.

Apparently the syllable "da!" is hilarious if you are 4.5 months old.

Jamie Oliver

Jamie Oliver. I've said this before: totally annoying. 

He's got some great recipes. His short-cut roasties are a staple in this house. But  my goodness, does that man need a thesaurus. 

Hurricane Sandy Preparation.

We filled up our big blue stock pot with water.

We couldn't think of anything else to do.

Our fridge and pantry are full of food. Not just food. But the best kind of food:

Leftovers.

English speaking whale.

This whale spoke English:

My Facebook Nicotine Patch.

You may have noticed, dear reader, that I have been posting short non-sequiters for the last few days. As opposed to my long non-sequiters. The reason is this:

I decided that being at home ALL THE TIME has resulted in me spending far, far too much time stalking people on or just staring at facebook. I don't think facebook is as evil or pointless as some people, but I do realise that more than a few minutes a day is a waste of time. However, I still have the urge to post stupid things that I think about, various witticisms as well as things that outrage me. I have been channeling that urge here.

Shoe Repair

Interestingly enough, Cobbler's Cottage in Ithaca does, in fact, do shoe repair... if you need something other than a zipper replaced or anything done to the sole or heel.

The Scooter Store has me on a list.

Today I received junk mail from the Scooter Store. It is offering me an opportunity to call for my FREE mobility consultation.

I wonder how on earth I ended up on their list. I mean, I know I've been somewhat incapacitated this last year, but I assumed it was temporary because I was pregnant. However, receiving junk mail that suggests that it is not temporary has me thinking: maybe I should look at this as an opportunity not to be wasted and follow through with the FREE mobility consultation. 

Smartwool.

I love Smartwool. I love it so, so much. It keeps me ever-so-toasty and it isn't bulky or itchy and it's stretchy and it's soft and oh so warm-but-not-too-warm!

I have discovered these. SMARTWOOL TIGHTS. I can only imagine how much less complaining about the cold I would do if I owned at least one pair of Smartwool tights.

Not a mommy blog.

I'm determined that this not become a mommy blog. So. There's this:



Although I haven't done much else besides be a mum for the last 3 months. I am back to being interested in cooking though. I've been making these grain salad things with some regularity. It has several advantages, one being that it uses up CSA vegetables pretty nicely, two, it is generally fairly quick and three, it makes excellent leftovers that Ryan can take to work. Also, it is different every time. Basically, I start with a grain of some variety - usually quinoa or burghul (bulgar wheat for those not familiar with Arabic). Burghul has the distinct advantage of not even needing to be cooked - just soaked. Then I add a variety of things from the fridge. The key is to make it balanced, so I always try to add a protein thing as well as all the vegetables.

Last night, I cooked beets in water and vinegar, roasted some garbanzo beans* and caramelized some leeks/ I tossed that with those with burghul and some chopped up arugula. When I roasted the garbanzo beans, I roasted two very large cloves of garlic, which I mashed up in some olive oil. I added balsamic vinegar and used that to dress everything - although a dressing isn't striclty necessary. Finally I added chopped green pepper - not a bell pepper, but similar, our CSA has a variety of pepper that kicks the crap out of regular old bell peppers but the  name escapes me at the moment.

In the past, I have added nuts, tempeh, spinach, peas, corn or tomato and often I find scraps of leftovers that do nicely. A thing I like to keep in mind is adding different textures as well as flavours. Chopped almonds add a bit of crunch and the roasted garbanzo beans added some crispiness and chewiness - and they are so yummy that it's hard not to eat them before they've gone in the salad. How I do mine is to toss them in oil and pour them on a baking sheet, roasted at 400 F for 20 minutes or so. When they are done, take them out, toss them with salt or paprika or thyme or whatever - even sugar for sweet ones would be nice. They are a yummy snack!

Nappy Bag.

I'm getting more confident with my own decisions regarding Elinor. In the beginning, it feels like everything is this giant whirlwind of overwhelming directions and advice and you're fairly certain you'd better follow it all because otherwise you might kill your baby because you don't know what the hell you are doing. Then you realise that you've made it this far without killing her and that you know her better than any internet blogger or preachy book author, so you can stop panicking so much.

At least that's how it's been for me. That's not to say that internet advice isn't sometimes helpful. Today I googled "diaper bag paring down" because I really hate carrying the diaper bag when I walk places with her. Unfortunately, it was a similar experience to googling "inexpensive wedding ideas" and finding suggestions like, "Consider not having monogrammed napkins."

In other words, I discovered that I've already pared down my diaper bag to the essentials according to most women. My diaper bag contains:

1 diaper cover
1 onesie
1 changing pad
cloth diapers - the number depends on how long I am going to be out
a few disposables
1 blanket
A bag of disposable wipes
a washcloth or two
1 wet bag
1 zip-loc bag
A sun hat (sometimes)
Her jacket (sometimes)
A pair of socks
Wallet (mine)
Phone (also mine)
Keys (also mine)

I do not consider chapstick, makeup, hand sanitizer (if baby wipes work for my baby's bum, then they work for my hands until I can get to a bathroom, should that be a difficulty out in the field) or a first aid kit essential although some people seem to. One blog I looked at had a "before" picture featuring 6 Mister Men books. I can't believe it didn't occur to the author that 6 books was a little ridiculous.

I'm less crazy than I thought

A little over two months ago, I woke up super-itchy and did what I always do and looked up my symptoms on the internet. This is one of the great American past times, I know, and it is one of my past times. I also know that there is a sort of a Godwin's Law for it only for cancer instead of Hitler. If not cancer then something else serious and scary. There was that time I thought I had gout. My persistent fear of necrotising fasciitis. Et cetera. This time however, the awful serious thing the internet told me I had, I actually had. Spooky.