The Eternal Dilemma.

So here's the thing. I need advice, I've spoken to my mother and Casey and I plan to call Annie.

The therapist is encouraging me to really make horses a priority. I think she is trying to get me out of my comfort zone in order to get me to a place where I will be happy. Because I'm not happy: either riding or not riding.

And today I pointed out to her that I've spent my whole life being "patient" whether it was my mother telling me to wait until I was older or waiting for my horse to recover or now, waiting for Ryan to be finished with his PhD. Just waiting for one thing or another to happen before I can get the right horse (one talented enough or at least one that doesn't repeatedly nearly kill me) or at least move forward -properly- and waiting any longer is just heartbreaking to the point of considering quitting all together. I'm fucking 30. I've been waiting for 30 years - or at least 27, I can only remember as far back as age 3.

And I've watched an awful lot of obnoxious people get there first because they are pushier or wealthier than me. The wealthiness - I can't do anything about that, my father was not a neurosurgeon. The pushiness I think is where my therapist is trying to encourage me.

The thing I need advice with:

If I take this job, I will have money for board. I casually suggested a possible lease to Ryan, but I'd really like to just say, "Tony, I have $10,000, find me a jumper prospect for the A/Os". (When I talked to my mother, she said, "Oh but you'd have to wait until you know where you're going to live. Transport is expensive." I forgot that asking my mother for advice is often the opposite of helpful)

But how on earth do I juggle having a baby, working 19hrs a week and then horse ownership? Am I crazy? The possibly job has said that I could bring Elinor to work with me. It can't be impossible, because all those women work full-time and have babies. But I can't pay board and daycare. Is it unbelievably selfish of me to even think of this situation? Why can't I bring myself to talk to Ryan about it properly? Should I just forget the job and ask Ryan if we can borrow money from ourselves to fund 2 years of horse crap?

I can't even begin to organise my thoughts.