I just told them that 29 February would be my last day. This is funny because it will be exactly a year since I left FHS, trying to forge a non horsie career.
I am going to work part time for a publicist which is going to be interesting work. I'm excited to do it because I really like Paula and she shares the same attitude as me with regards to being totally invested in the projects we are involved with.
A lot of people have told me that this is a bad way to work. I end up not making enough money or working too much or not enough, if I don't like the project (honestly how invested can you be in an expense report other than discerning sordid details about someone, such as they eat at the same nasty airport restaurant every time they fly, including after the return flight home, which can only suggest that they enjoy eating airport food). Unfortunately, this is the only way I know how to work - to do fantastic work when I love the project and not finish things I hate, with mildly tolerable jobs finishing somewhere in the middle.
I am attempting to improve this aspect of myself and frustratingly put this mindset into practice the first day I started this job. I say frustratingly because it my tenacity, well-meaning and positive attitude didn't mean anything with regards to nebulous job descriptions and an absent minded boss.
Karen inspired me greatly once with a post - it note stuck on her computer that read:
I give myself permission to do a mediocre job.
I have applied to be an instructor in Walnut Creek. I have really good credentials for this and hope that they hire me. I think that any drawback that I may present is that I live so far away. I will actually be quite upset if I don't get at least an interview - I am quite aptly qualified. This is one of those jobs I would love and consequently do a fantastic job. It appears to have none of the drawbacks of my previous instructor position and all of the positives.
I constantly wrestle with the fact that I am no longer involved in the horse world. I used to complain about people trying to identify with me when I told them what I did for a living and now I find that people have nothing to identify with me.
I wonder if looking for another job with horses is some kind of manifestation of my personal insecurities. I feel like I really miss riding and I know that's a huge part of it, but am I also terrified of spending the rest of my life explaining to people at cocktail parties that I used to be interesting and now I'm not?
Which brings me to my almost former job. At first I threw myself into it and loved it. Then I became complacent and bored, when I started getting piled on with menial tasks. Then I got to loathing and resenting it - my banking on the goodwill of completing these tasks did not result in any sort of increases in responsibility, attention or position improvement, indeed it just resulted in even more menial tasks. With this frustration, I stopped running (well, I was also injured and the injury has taken a stupidly long time to heal), stopped hiking, stopped seeing friends as much and became seriously frustrated and at least for a few weeks, I'm sure, rather unpleasant to be around. My personal self improvement goals, such as being more organized and keeping a neater house have gone by the way side.
I have been released however. I will receive 3 months severance and in 5 months, we will starting on our big drive across the country as newlyweds. In the mean time, I will finagle horses into my life again, take classes, work for Paula and clean my fucking house.