Friday, July 29, 2016

Das Vampire

Elinor bit one of her school friends.

I was probably not the right parent, between her two parents, to be the one to deal with it with regards to the school's representative. I basically just got a little weepy and then hugged Elinor.

I'm sure they thought that was bizarre but in that moment, where I was mortified, upset, worried, anxious, and feeling vulnerable, I needed a hug and I couldn't very well ask the teacher's assistant for one.

Ryan would have probably told Elinor it was unacceptable behaviour, thanked the teacher's assistant and in general have had a much less weird reaction.

I think what made me feel so upset was that initially, when I was brought into the directors' office for a quick mention of the situation, they mentioned that she had apparently been "acting out" more.

The teacher's assistant, with whom the main meeting about it was (Elinor's teacher was out for the day), didn't mention anything like that. But all I could think after I heard "acting out" is that she is unhappy why is she unhappy is it my fault?

I asked her if she still liked going to school and she assured me she does. She's very cheerfully making pizzas with her dad right now. I have no idea why this is so emotionally overwhelming.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016


I went blueberry picking. This is a picture of me in a blueberry field. I like it because my sunglasses, (which I bought because part of me wants to only wear huge glasses, oversized men's white dress shirts and undersized hats, possibly with a sweater vest and or a tie/silk scarf, part of me is not brave enough,


makes my face not look so round and huge even though it is, just like the rest of me.

God I feel huge.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

Multi-level Marketing Schemes

It's slowed down a bit, but after I had Elinor and after I made friends with some mums of kids of a similar age, more and more examples of multi-level marketing schemes started popping up in my facebook feed.

At first, I was annoyed. I thought, "My goodness, these are intelligent women! Why are they falling for this crap?" 

Weird food products. Tat jewelery. Wall decals. Skin and hair care products. Essential oils (ugh). Healthy living plans. Sex toys.  

Generally, the posts from a particular person went on for a few months. And then they sort of died off. In the meantime, someone else's latest foray into the pyramid selling world would start populating my feed and I'd go through the same thought process. 

As I said, at first I was annoyed because I felt that the nature of these companies should be quite clear to anyone. Surely an organisation that asks you for a bunch of money up front and involves talking people into buying stuff should set off some kind of alarm in any semi-savvy persons head? 

And then, it made me a little sad and a little angry. Because I think I know what was actually going through their heads. You're home with tiny kids and it feels like you never have quite enough money or possibly an outlet for non-kid-related stuff. And you come across this thing that promises money, a little bit of independence but without sacrificing the time with your kids or the money it would mean to get a job, even part-time.

And these companies know that women are in this position and they take advantage of it. To take advantage of someone's desperation is predatory and wrong and also seems to be one of the motivating factors behind the way capitalism works. 

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Work Party.

Ryan's department head hosts a summer party at his house every year. Elinor initially suggested that having a beach at your house was "silly". On second visit, she decided it was "silly" and a "good idea". 

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

I have nowhere to put my saddle.

Not to get maudlin, but I have nowhere to put my saddle and I feel like it's becoming a metaphor.

My current boss insists that all horses go in their own saddles because she is very anxious about saddle fit, which is fair to a point (I absolutely hate Bandy's saddle, never buy a Schleese). I do wish that my boss had made provisions for employees needing to keep riding stuff at the barn. I have to bring it back and forth every week and Rachel, who is there everyday, keeps her stuff in the office. So, my saddle sits at home and has done for a long time. It was in Elinor's closet along with my (more self-pity:) nice dresses. Now the closet needs to be used and my nice dresses have all been packed away and I have nowhere to put my saddle.

Marie Kondo would probably tell me to get rid of the dresses and maybe the saddle because both things just make me sad right now. But Marie Kondo is kind of full of shit on a lot of things.

Right now, my saddle is just getting moved around the house. I don't want to put it downstairs because it will get ruined. I don't want to put it in the loft at work because I don't have a good enough cover for it. If it were something of Ryan's that was just floating around the house, I would be so annoyed about it. I am annoyed about it, but not as much as I might be.

But yes, I have nowhere to put my saddle because I have to make room for this baby and I barely had room for it when I just had Elinor. And it kills me that the trajectory of my life changed so dramatically when I had a child and Ryan's trajectory did not.

Saturday, July 16, 2016


I have a confession to make. 

I do not care for doughnuts. 

I mean, I don't hate them, I just...don't think they're that great. I am only tempted by them if they are very fresh. 

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Breech Baby

I found out today that the baby is still breech. My midwife assigned me to do these weird poses for 20 minutes per day.

I can't do 20 minutes. It's unbearable. I managed 10 today.

Moxibustion and acupuncture were also suggested and now I'm facing a question I had only thought about theoretically prior to now. Exactly how far down the woo-woo path am I willing to go to attempt to avoid major surgery?

It's one thing to contort myself on my couch at home, it's quite another to have to go to a place, pay, politely grin ("Am I doing this right? Am I convincing them that I don't think this is total hokum?"), nod and listen to nonsense while someone lights a candle next to my toe.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

While Ryan is in Hell

Ryan is currently in Hell. My parenting may be called into question while he's gone. I let her eat Cheerios for dinner this evening and earlier I found this on the floor of my kitchen:

"My hair was too long."

I allowed her to sleep in my bed last night as a "treat" and did you  know that a 30lb small child can take up more room on the room than a 40lb dog? or a 160lb human? 

Thursday, July 7, 2016

A Toaster Oven Story

I fell victim tp my toaster oven's stupid "turn past off if you'd like to unknowingly burn the shit out of your toast" function.

I am feeling quite close to getting rid of it.

My mother did the most cliche meddling mother-of-an-adult-daughter thing you could do.

She came to visit for a few weeks and then about a week after she left, a toaster oven I did not order arrived on my porch. She had gone home, decided I needed a toaster and then purchased it without asking me or Ryan. It did not occur to her that possibly the reason we did not own a toaster oven was because we, perhaps, did not want one.  

And she said nothing to us on the trip. No, "I wish you guys had a toaster oven" or "How do you get by without a toaster oven?" 

(In case you are wondering: we made toast in the cast iron skillet) 


Not only did we not want a toaster oven, the toaster oven she bought was not the toaster oven I would have bought were I trying to buy one. 

First of all, it's huge. We do not have the counter space for it, so when we do use it, we have to get it out, plug it in, use it and then put it away. 


That "stay on" nonsense. If you are careless, and turn off the toaster "too much" you will leave the toaster oven on. And maybe burn the shit out of a piece of toast you'd left in there, because it didn't fit on the plate but you thought you or your daughter might want it in a little while. 

It's been circulating in my mind that I maybe could do without this object in my life. It certainly doesn't spark joy of any kind and just reminds me of the resentment that I have towards my mother for doing this nice thing that was also very weird and a bit rude, not to mention annoying. 

You don't go to someone's house and then order them appliances you think they need, the day you get home. 

Monday, July 4, 2016

Ryan's trip to Hell.

Ryan is getting sent on a business trip next week. He leaves Saturday. I've been hearing about it for a while now, small pieces of what the trip will be like.

I put it all together yesterday and realised he might actually be getting sent to hell. The desert in the middle of July, 50 miles from the nearest grocery store, him and the religious guy from work, working night shifts - 6pm to 6am. 

If he told me they were piping "The Night Chicago Died" and that one song by Chuck Mangione on repeat into the facility, at this point, it wouldn't surprise me.


I just asked him if that might be the case and he said there's no facility; they'll be running the experiments outside. Small mercies. No Chuck Mangione.