Sometimes, when I'm driving or trying to fall asleep, I tell myself I'm going to quit riding: I don't think I'm ever going to have a trainer that gives me something decent to ride that's over 14 hands and I don't have the strength to keep moving forward without help. I'm tired of pushing against everyone to make things happen.
I've been working at another stable recently, teaching and riding. I took a lesson there before I was offered the position and I said, "I'm still working with Casey, I just need to get off the ponies."
Sue said, "You do, you're so right."
Then, she offered me a job. And has consistently given me ponies to ride. I think I'm going to scream.
I honestly have zero idea how good I am - I have no frame of reference anymore. And it's maddening and I actually have disorienting feelings regarding whether or not I am losing my mind. Using that phrase "losing my mind" is exactly what I mean, but I was reticent to use it because I am not speaking hyperbolically. I would have stuck "literally" in there to imply that I wasn't speaking hyperbolically, but that doesn't really help these days.
And I think about how crazy I feel and how hurt and angry and frustrated I am to be so far behind where I should be and how devastating to think about all the things I might have done differently to be in a different place and I think that I should just cut my losses, walk away and move on.