Sometimes, when I'm driving or trying to fall asleep, I tell myself I'm going to quit riding: I don't think I'm ever going to have a trainer that gives me something decent to ride that's over 14 hands and I don't have the strength to keep moving forward without help. I'm tired of pushing against everyone to make things happen.
I've been working at another stable recently, teaching and riding. I took a lesson there before I was offered the position and I said, "I'm still working with Casey, I just need to get off the ponies."
Sue said, "You do, you're so right."
Then, she offered me a job. And has consistently given me ponies to ride. I think I'm going to scream.
I honestly have zero idea how good I am - I have no frame of reference anymore. And it's maddening and I actually have disorienting feelings regarding whether or not I am losing my mind. Using that phrase "losing my mind" is exactly what I mean, but I was reticent to use it because I am not speaking hyperbolically. I would have stuck "literally" in there to imply that I wasn't speaking hyperbolically, but that doesn't really help these days.
And I think about how crazy I feel and how hurt and angry and frustrated I am to be so far behind where I should be and how devastating to think about all the things I might have done differently to be in a different place and I think that I should just cut my losses, walk away and move on.
1 comment:
I do hope you don't quit. For what it's worth, I think you're an incredible rider. Whenever I've seen you ride you make the horse look so much better than it did with other riders.
I know it is frustrating. But things will change when Ryan is working. Maybe they are putting you on ponies because you're working for them - they need Someone to do it, you're petite and a great rider, so they put you on the ponies.
Please don't let them get you down. This situation is temporary and soon you'll be somewhere where you can take lessons and hack horses and not have to be the default pony trainer.
All my love, call me if you want to complain or anything. xoxox
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