Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Guns, Cold Beer and a Wedding Dress


Marriage. Children. Settling down.

I can’t stop running into it.

Right now, it’s because I feel like I’m being left behind, like I missed some sort of memo, like my avoidance is going to result in my eternal unhappiness. Eternal unhappiness, because I see girls who are so adamant that that is what they want and are so sure that they’ll be able to stop worrying about everything when they are finally married and pregnant. And what if they’re right?

I don’t see the same stability that my contemporaries do. Instead, I see the commitment of having to stay in one place, the stress of having a sick child or being dependant on someone else – and thus being restricted. Arguments about money, compromising your lifestyle and the general worry and responsibility that comes with being part of a family.

I had a practice family for 3 years and I’m sure my fears were enhanced by the experience. When you make that kind of a commitment to someone, there is no going back. You put up with things, change in ways that might not necessarily be right for you and buy furniture you don’t like, all for the sake of keeping everything together.

Despite seeing all of this, I can’t shake of the nagging thought that I’m missing something. It’s not that I don’t want to get married and have children; it’s that I’m afraid to.

I’m not thrilled by the thought of a proposal, I’m nauseated by the attention it will illicit.

I have no need to “have a day”; I don’t think it’s my right as a female and having everyone make a fuss over me is not my idea of fun.

I don’t want to talk to people about babies and being pregnant, the idea that I might not have anything better to talk about is absolutely upsetting. Also, I am petrified of the idea of someone I don’t know rubbing my stomach and am concerned that were it to happen, I might have a somewhat violent reaction.

One might argue that I am generalizing. I don’t disagree, however my reaction is to my peers, who are excited and obsessed by these generalizations. I want someone to explain it to me without blaming their mothers or the media.

Sometimes I get the urge to animatedly and firmly tell my close friends that are in the wedding head-zone, that they should not be defined by their mates and that happiness is achieved by exploration and reflection, not by tying a man to themselves and proving adequacy through competitive child rearing. Occasionally though (and I don’t believe that it’s necessarily incongruous with the earlier sentiment) I think, maybe having someone express to me, possibly using more than words, that he wants to spend his life with me might be kind of nice.

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