Saying No.

My therapist wanted to coach me through saying "no" to people who want me to do things I simply do not want to do. She wanted me to practice what I was going to say to someone.

I told her I didn't want to because it felt uncomfortable and I didn't see how it was going to help me. She said, "Just try it." And I said,

"Aren't I supposed to be practicing saying "no" to people who want me to do things that I don't want to do?"

"Touché."

Selling your soul to get to California.

Yesterday I talked to a lady who told me a bit about her son. When he was small, they used to travel to California in the summers to visit relatives. At the end of the trips, she said, he would cry and cry. He'd cry when it was time to leave, he'd cry on the plane.

"He just loved California from the time he was little."

When he was older, he went to Cornell and then got a job working for Philip Morris, which enabled him to move to Irvine, California.

I thought about it and came up with this:

It's like he sold his soul to the devil in order to get to California and in one of those "be careful what you wish for" scenarios that the devil is somewhat famous for, he ended up in Irvine.

Which he actually apparently enjoys, it's just funnier if you don't know that.

Dusting, adipose and depression-induced invisibility.

So, I'm blowing the dust that has gathered on this blog, I guess. I think I sometimes give up on blogging regularly because I'm not sure why I do it. I don't want to pontificate on the internet but sometimes I do. I don't want a lot of people to read what I write but sometimes I do. I want to remain anonymous, but I also want my friends to read it and really enjoy discussing some of the things that come up in this blog with them. Anyway.

Also I've been...busy.

I logged in today and found 9 comments waiting for moderation. All spam, of course. One of the

Adipex diet pill is made up of pure Adipex, which affects our central nervous system by activating neurotransmitters that start flowing quickly all through the brain. This allows the signals to flow quickly through the brain, motivating the body over time so that you continually have ample of energy, a super boost at losing weight and fat, all at once. Basically, each Adipex dosage will trigger the neurotransmitters so that they can make their rounds again for up to 12 hours or so. on

which is basically a Doctor Who concept come to life. On Doctor Who, it's called Adipose that ends up being an alien race using our adipose tissue to generate the young of the species.

                           ***
Here's a thing about me:

When I get depressed, truly depressed, I start feeling like I'm invisible. There's more to it, but for now, the invisible part is what is important. I'm not truly delusional: I don't think I'm invisible, I just feel like I am. And that's not to say I feel ignored or left out or marginalised; it has nothing to do with anyone else's behaviour or treatment of me. I just feel invisible and there's not another word for it.

Last year, we went to the Ithaca Festival with our friend Mark as we usually do. Something put me in a strange mood, I was hugely pregnant and I started to feel invisible. We ran into an colleague of Ryan and Mark's and his wife. Both of whom I've met several times. His wife introduced Mark and Ryan to her parents and not me, then proceeded to talk to Mark and Ryan, as did her husband as if I wasn't there. Even after Ryan interrupted her to introduce me to her parents.

At the time this seemed really weird because there I was feeling invisible and there Rebecca was, apparently not having seen me!

Depression definitely has a delusional aspect to it. I've heard about maybe one or two studies that show that depressed people actually have a more accurate view of the world, but I'm sure, at least in my case, that delusion is involved. And when you've worked trying to not be depressed as long as I have, you can sometimes even know when you are having a depressive delusion. So the feelings of invisibility, although they are there, I do know that I am, in fact, visible. I wish there was a better word for it. I'm sure the Germans have one.

Anyway. As alarming as the situation was at the time, I actually think it's pretty funny now and I had a good hearty laugh about it with Ken a few days later.

Goals for the New Year

1. Take 3 free online courses. I'm going to learn Javascript, Equine Nutrition and Human Physiology. 

2. Knit clothes for Elinor.

3. Get back to riding 3-4x per week. Dream goal: find something to do the jumpers on at a Real Show.

4. Learn more about baking. Be a more reliable cake baker. After all, birthday cakes are going to become much more important now.

5. Preserve more of the spring/summer bounty. Was unsuccessful at this this year because I didn't sleep for most of the summer. The year before was much better. 

John Henry's Farm Album

So, I found John's album on Spotify under the band name "John Henry's Farm". It was a little strange, but here we are.

I say strange because, as someone who is regularly transported back in time by music, it was a very queer feeling to hear songs that I listened to and sang and lived through during a very tumultuous, exhilarating and strange period of my life.

I lived on beer and very little sleep and it all culminated in a terrible, terrible month of January, 2007. Before that January though, I was living through something that I needed to in order to be ready to grow up. Or something. I don't know.

It's too tiring to go into further detail right now. I just wanted to make sure that I captured this moment of feeling so strange.

2 things: 1) I miss the Farm but I don't want to go back. Kind of like: I had a fantastic time at university, but I wouldn't want to do it again now. 2)Matt Fate (John's drummer) defriended me on facebook (awhile ago) and apparently in real life too. And I have no idea why. And it makes me a little sad and a little angry (I'm learning to identify this now! It's not my fault, he's the one who behaved badly! I'm allowed to be angry with him and not me! Thanks therapy!).

Elinor's first joke.

Apparently the syllable "da!" is hilarious if you are 4.5 months old.

Jamie Oliver

Jamie Oliver. I've said this before: totally annoying. 

He's got some great recipes. His short-cut roasties are a staple in this house. But  my goodness, does that man need a thesaurus. 

Hurricane Sandy Preparation.

We filled up our big blue stock pot with water.

We couldn't think of anything else to do.

Our fridge and pantry are full of food. Not just food. But the best kind of food:

Leftovers.

English speaking whale.

This whale spoke English:

My Facebook Nicotine Patch.

You may have noticed, dear reader, that I have been posting short non-sequiters for the last few days. As opposed to my long non-sequiters. The reason is this:

I decided that being at home ALL THE TIME has resulted in me spending far, far too much time stalking people on or just staring at facebook. I don't think facebook is as evil or pointless as some people, but I do realise that more than a few minutes a day is a waste of time. However, I still have the urge to post stupid things that I think about, various witticisms as well as things that outrage me. I have been channeling that urge here.

Shoe Repair

Interestingly enough, Cobbler's Cottage in Ithaca does, in fact, do shoe repair... if you need something other than a zipper replaced or anything done to the sole or heel.

The Scooter Store has me on a list.

Today I received junk mail from the Scooter Store. It is offering me an opportunity to call for my FREE mobility consultation.

I wonder how on earth I ended up on their list. I mean, I know I've been somewhat incapacitated this last year, but I assumed it was temporary because I was pregnant. However, receiving junk mail that suggests that it is not temporary has me thinking: maybe I should look at this as an opportunity not to be wasted and follow through with the FREE mobility consultation. 

Smartwool.

I love Smartwool. I love it so, so much. It keeps me ever-so-toasty and it isn't bulky or itchy and it's stretchy and it's soft and oh so warm-but-not-too-warm!

I have discovered these. SMARTWOOL TIGHTS. I can only imagine how much less complaining about the cold I would do if I owned at least one pair of Smartwool tights.

Not a mommy blog.

I'm determined that this not become a mommy blog. So. There's this:



Although I haven't done much else besides be a mum for the last 3 months. I am back to being interested in cooking though. I've been making these grain salad things with some regularity. It has several advantages, one being that it uses up CSA vegetables pretty nicely, two, it is generally fairly quick and three, it makes excellent leftovers that Ryan can take to work. Also, it is different every time. Basically, I start with a grain of some variety - usually quinoa or burghul (bulgar wheat for those not familiar with Arabic). Burghul has the distinct advantage of not even needing to be cooked - just soaked. Then I add a variety of things from the fridge. The key is to make it balanced, so I always try to add a protein thing as well as all the vegetables.

Last night, I cooked beets in water and vinegar, roasted some garbanzo beans* and caramelized some leeks/ I tossed that with those with burghul and some chopped up arugula. When I roasted the garbanzo beans, I roasted two very large cloves of garlic, which I mashed up in some olive oil. I added balsamic vinegar and used that to dress everything - although a dressing isn't striclty necessary. Finally I added chopped green pepper - not a bell pepper, but similar, our CSA has a variety of pepper that kicks the crap out of regular old bell peppers but the  name escapes me at the moment.

In the past, I have added nuts, tempeh, spinach, peas, corn or tomato and often I find scraps of leftovers that do nicely. A thing I like to keep in mind is adding different textures as well as flavours. Chopped almonds add a bit of crunch and the roasted garbanzo beans added some crispiness and chewiness - and they are so yummy that it's hard not to eat them before they've gone in the salad. How I do mine is to toss them in oil and pour them on a baking sheet, roasted at 400 F for 20 minutes or so. When they are done, take them out, toss them with salt or paprika or thyme or whatever - even sugar for sweet ones would be nice. They are a yummy snack!

Nappy Bag.

I'm getting more confident with my own decisions regarding Elinor. In the beginning, it feels like everything is this giant whirlwind of overwhelming directions and advice and you're fairly certain you'd better follow it all because otherwise you might kill your baby because you don't know what the hell you are doing. Then you realise that you've made it this far without killing her and that you know her better than any internet blogger or preachy book author, so you can stop panicking so much.

At least that's how it's been for me. That's not to say that internet advice isn't sometimes helpful. Today I googled "diaper bag paring down" because I really hate carrying the diaper bag when I walk places with her. Unfortunately, it was a similar experience to googling "inexpensive wedding ideas" and finding suggestions like, "Consider not having monogrammed napkins."

In other words, I discovered that I've already pared down my diaper bag to the essentials according to most women. My diaper bag contains:

1 diaper cover
1 onesie
1 changing pad
cloth diapers - the number depends on how long I am going to be out
a few disposables
1 blanket
A bag of disposable wipes
a washcloth or two
1 wet bag
1 zip-loc bag
A sun hat (sometimes)
Her jacket (sometimes)
A pair of socks
Wallet (mine)
Phone (also mine)
Keys (also mine)

I do not consider chapstick, makeup, hand sanitizer (if baby wipes work for my baby's bum, then they work for my hands until I can get to a bathroom, should that be a difficulty out in the field) or a first aid kit essential although some people seem to. One blog I looked at had a "before" picture featuring 6 Mister Men books. I can't believe it didn't occur to the author that 6 books was a little ridiculous.

I'm less crazy than I thought

A little over two months ago, I woke up super-itchy and did what I always do and looked up my symptoms on the internet. This is one of the great American past times, I know, and it is one of my past times. I also know that there is a sort of a Godwin's Law for it only for cancer instead of Hitler. If not cancer then something else serious and scary. There was that time I thought I had gout. My persistent fear of necrotising fasciitis. Et cetera. This time however, the awful serious thing the internet told me I had, I actually had. Spooky.

The Eternal Dilemma.

So here's the thing. I need advice, I've spoken to my mother and Casey and I plan to call Annie.

The therapist is encouraging me to really make horses a priority. I think she is trying to get me out of my comfort zone in order to get me to a place where I will be happy. Because I'm not happy: either riding or not riding.

And today I pointed out to her that I've spent my whole life being "patient" whether it was my mother telling me to wait until I was older or waiting for my horse to recover or now, waiting for Ryan to be finished with his PhD. Just waiting for one thing or another to happen before I can get the right horse (one talented enough or at least one that doesn't repeatedly nearly kill me) or at least move forward -properly- and waiting any longer is just heartbreaking to the point of considering quitting all together. I'm fucking 30. I've been waiting for 30 years - or at least 27, I can only remember as far back as age 3.

And I've watched an awful lot of obnoxious people get there first because they are pushier or wealthier than me. The wealthiness - I can't do anything about that, my father was not a neurosurgeon. The pushiness I think is where my therapist is trying to encourage me.

The thing I need advice with:

If I take this job, I will have money for board. I casually suggested a possible lease to Ryan, but I'd really like to just say, "Tony, I have $10,000, find me a jumper prospect for the A/Os". (When I talked to my mother, she said, "Oh but you'd have to wait until you know where you're going to live. Transport is expensive." I forgot that asking my mother for advice is often the opposite of helpful)

But how on earth do I juggle having a baby, working 19hrs a week and then horse ownership? Am I crazy? The possibly job has said that I could bring Elinor to work with me. It can't be impossible, because all those women work full-time and have babies. But I can't pay board and daycare. Is it unbelievably selfish of me to even think of this situation? Why can't I bring myself to talk to Ryan about it properly? Should I just forget the job and ask Ryan if we can borrow money from ourselves to fund 2 years of horse crap?

I can't even begin to organise my thoughts.

Job Offer and Another Thing

Two things:

I've been offered a job! Now I have to decide about whether or not I want to take it. It is at the place I've been volunteering and I would be allowed to bring Elinor with me - it's part-time, 19 hours a week. There are good reasons to take it and good reasons not to.

The other thing:
Yesterday I found out a thing about a friend of mine that is quite surprising. I probably shouldn't go into any more detail than that.

Mock Sorbet

It's been really hot recently. I have been making mock sorbet, which consists of putting frozen fruit in my tiny food processor and adding simple syrup and lemon juice. Or lemonade base (lemony simple syrup). Or lemon juice and confectioner's sugar. I process it and then eat it. It is a lifesaver. Right now, I'm really  enjoying peach and strawberry flavour.

Experiments.

I have removed dairy from my diet completely. When you have a baby that is only not crying when she is asleep and she only sleeps when she is in someone's arms, you start to consider trying things. Particularly when the crying is associated with lots of farting*. So, no milk in the tea, no more delicious yoghurt-nuts-and-fruit breakfasts, et cetera. I'm not a big dairy person to begin with, but for whatever reason, after I cut it out completely, all I wanted to eat was cheese on crackers.

Anyway. She seemed a little better starting on the first day and by 8 days, she was a lot better.. However, I know that correlation does not mean causation, so after 2 weeks, I ate some ice cream. Also, some cheese and crackers in the parking lot of a Tops Market situated in a ghetto in Rochester. This was yesterday. Last night, during a game of Carcasonne with our friends, she started crying again. And she didn't stop until about 3 hours ago.
I have not eaten any more dairy.

I'm also considering the fact that she also seems to have a really hard time following any social activity that we participate in. After a birthday gathering at the Farmer's Market, she spent 6 hours screaming and that night was poor sleeping for everyone. Before that, we tried a trip to a swimming hole with the Powells and not one of us slept at all that night. So that's three times and three bad nights.

This makes me sad and depressed and lonely feeling. Also scary: I can't seem to come up with a solution and so it feels like I am going to be stuck at home alone forever - taking the dogs out is even a bit tricky.

*Sometimes Ryan and I picture an adult with the same problems Elinor has. Like, imagine you had a roommate that cried and cried and cried before farting. You'd come home and find them on the couch just sobbing away - you'd think some close family member had died, the way they were carrying on. You'd say, "Oh no! What's wrong??" and between sobs, they'd say, "I just...I just... I really have to fart."